"Unfortunately the females and piglets also sport the bush beard"

Really tired as I write this, trying to get up to date with everything but itinerary is so busy from morning to night it’s proving difficult. The Singapore Tourism Board want me to see everything in about four days, which is taxing.

Anyhew… this morning it was ever hotter than yesterday, like molten magma some would say. It’s like being encased in a towel that’s been on the radiator all day all the time, you can feel the warm air right up until it reaches your lungs. I love it. Breakfast was in the Arab quarter; prata (a fried dough circle) with curry sauce in a bowl, washed down with coffee and condensed milk. The first mouthful took some swallowing but eventually I learned to love it. A bit like Bob Dylan. We then headed down to Little India to the little shops selling saris, Indian jewellery, and flower garlands. It was as colourful as you’d imagine. The Hindu temple was beautiful in a garish way, with worshippers offering coconuts (broken to show the breaking of the ego before entering), and bananas (a symbol of plentifulness). My favourite goddess was a blue multi-armed crazy lady who comes to earth to avenge herself on sinners. She looked a little like me if you're unlucky enough to wake me up in the middle of the night.

We then crossed the bridge onto the tropical island of Sentosa where I was indulged in a rather strange beauty ritual- Turkish fish that nibble all the dead skin cells off your feet. After ten minutes of refusal (No, no, oh please God no it’s freaking me OUT!) I decided to give the little pink buggers what they wanted and tentatively dipped my heels in first (yyyeeoooowww) then slowly the rest of my reluctant gammons. Once I managed to stop thinking about the fact that it was live fish and not a machine I managed to relax to about 80% stress. A feat of sheer willpower if you, er, will. To put it into words, it felt like a horde of cats' tongues rasping at every millimetre of my flesh. I don’t like cats’ tongues- they’re rough and weird and remind me of Satan. The staff couldn’t wait to get me out of there, but the feeling was mutual.

Then into the Underwater World where I immediately bumped into my old friend the Stingray…cue being plunged into olfactory reminiscence, pervasive guilt…mea culpa. But here's a roundup of interesting facts I learned:

*Male sharks have a ridge around their genitalia called ‘claspers’. Balk!

*Jellyfish eat oneother.

*Male Anemone fish will turn into females if the alpha female dies.

*Octupi are the most intelligent non-vertebrate animal and can do mind puzzles and open jars.

Then it was time for the pink dolphin show. I can now die happy after watching said dolphins leap out of the water in time to Haddaway’s What is love? (Lady don’t hurt me).

Next came the most haranguing part of the day. The Megazip adventure park. I was first trussed up in a harness, tight in all the wrong places, the worst part of which not even being the fetching effect of quatro bewtocks (sadly no pics to share). I had to climb high into the air, leap across two-metre wide gaps, slide my croc-encased feet (surely bad enough) across metal wires, swinging boards and flimsy ropes. And all this was to be achieved with the upper body strength of a six-year-old-boy. I was drenched in sweat by the time I had finished and utterly humiliated after a horde of American boys had jeered me on for the duration.

Finally we travelled to the north of Singapore to visit the Night Safari- the only one in the world! I saw Winged Squirrels leaping through trees, got inches away from black fruit bats eating bananas, giraffes, porcupines, leopards, and (my personal favourite) the bearded pig! "Unfortunately ladies and gentleman the females and piglets sport the bush beard throughout their lives".

And now to bed. To bed. To bed...