Instead of the usual blow-by-blow account of what I’ve been up to I’ve decided to have a general discussion about some of the weirder aspects of Vietnamese life. A wander down the street in Saigon where my friend Stu lives provides endless insight into the ways of the land and I never tire of walking down it. Life happens on the street here; house doors are left wide open for all and sundry to see, families inhale their Pho, watch blaring televisions, feed their babies (more on this later), go to school, drink and play cards. So here are some of my observations made over the past week:
a) a) People here use scooters to carry just about anything you can think of. Pane of glass carried with no gloves on the back of a moped? Sure! Stacks of geese in bags? You betcha! A family of four including a casually carried newborn baby? Piece of piss. You can almost hear Partridge’s take on it with Crash Bang Wallop Part III; “Look at these idiots, I don’t think they follow health and safety regulations in VIETNAM”, “SHIT! That guy’s asleep at the wheel, with a pillow!” (I have seen this). It’s remarkable really, almost like a twisted, polluted ballet in which the pedestrians, taxis and mopeds interweave with no rules and no speed limits (like in Germany) and yet you never see any accidents. Glory be!
b) b)Women are paranoid to Madonna-like proportions about getting a tan. They do not want to be brown, they want to be white. Which means that even in 35 degree heat and humidity that makes the sweat spring from every pore (I swear I can hear it) they will wear gloves, a jumper, a scarf covering the bottom half of their face, trousers and even cleated socks with their flip flops. As well as the ubiquitous conical hat. They shout at white women in the street to cover up, they cannot understand how we would want to be darker, when you cannot even buy moisturiser or shower gel without whitening cream in it here.
c) c)Which brings me onto my next observation: overfeeding. Being thin is not in, in Vietnam. It’s still classed as a sign of poverty here, hence pencil thin women drink protein shakes to get a rounder figure, and babies are fed to within an inch of regurgitation until 10pm every night to act as some gluttonous exterior sign of wealth- “We have money, look how much we can feed our child! Count the tires! Just count ‘em!” Consequently you get some hefty little bruisers about yey big cruising the streets of Nam.
d) d)The women are direct. To the point of eye watering honesty. I have been told on several occasions, and with a disgusted down tugging of the mouth, that I’m “too thin”. And that’s not even been the worst of it. It’s become an almost daily occurance for a gaggle of women to laugh and point at their noses, and then at me. Yes, it’s really f***ing funny that you’ve got noses cute as buttons and I look like an emaciated Captain Hook. Thanks guys. Thanks.
e) e) Men let their hair and nails grow. There have been several, rather disturbing sightings of men with long nails, really long. The kind of nails you’d go, “Oh my God, look at that man’s LONG nails!” We’re still not entirely sure why, although it could be another nod to, “Look at me I don’t have to work in the fields, I can grow my nails long”. Either that or women here have a serious penchant for Nosferatu-esque accoutrements. The curly facial hairs are also gag-inducing, and I’ve been put off my food on several occasions now as one of those pesky coiled, wirey hairs got a little too close for comfort.
f) f) And finally, and this one’s a bit of a rant, Religion. Namely Catholicism. Since the French came and conquered they left behind some great stuff, namely baguettes, Laughing Cow and their peerless architecture and town planning. Not so great has been the imprint of the ever-pervasive and ever-growing iconoclastic religion. Take the street I’m staying on for example. People here are not wealthy, they live in pretty small houses, almost all of which double up as a shop, garage, restaurant, bar, you name it- the Vietnamese are nothing if not business savvy. So imagine my horror when I walk down the street, and see two huge white Catholic churches, that must cost half the country’s annual GDP to build, in the midst of being erected. Hop on a cruise down the remote Mekong Delta, there’s nothing but water, mangrove, small canoes, rice-laden boats and! A Catholic church shining like a beacon of monstrous incongruity. Glance into each house as you pass and tally up the number of Buddhas and the number of Christ and Mary images- it soon becomes obvious who’s losing the battle for wall space. But I guess it’s happened for centuries, since the biggest genocide in history was carried out in South America by the Spanish. It just seems even more out of place and anachronistic given the current crisis of faith that even the Italians have mustered.
StiStill there is a funny side to all the over-zealous worship, there’s a huge replica of Notre Dame cathedral in Saigon, not by a Seine-like river mind, no, this one acts as a roundabout. And Sophie (who lives here in Saigon) told me about her friend who went to a shopping mall at Christmas to see the nativity display (the Vietnamese are mad about Christmas, with little fairy lights, fake icicles and Santas adorning every building as far as the eye can see). They’d really pushed the boat out on this one though, creating a beautiful touching scene, Mary, Joseph, cattle lowing, some well wise men etc etc, until her eye wandered up to see a huge red and white Santa Claus, nailed to the cross.
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